Conspiracy theory

I’ve come to the conclusion that paper towels come from Afghanistan.

I can find no other reason for the jump in price over the last year. One day, I’m buying a two pack of paper towels for $1.89. Now, I can’t even buy a single roll for that price. And the bargain multi-pack that used to be $8.99 on sale is now “on sale” for $12.69.

What has happened? I’ve heard nothing on the nightly news. There aren’t distressed shoppers standing in front of the grocery store bewildered at this strange turn of events. But there should be. I know I’m not the only one who’s noticed.

I don’t know why, but we must be shipping our paper pulp to the Middle East to make paper towels. Probably some government funded program to help their economy. “Paper towels!” they say. “The American public will never notice. They’ll be too outraged by the price of gas to complain.” (insert evil government official laugh)

In addition to the fact that we have to pay more for paper towels, they’ve sent the reams of paper towels off to a perforating company that purposely dulls their cutters. So when the consumer grabs a single paper towel from the marble holder on the countertop, they get two instead.

Tell me, when you have a spill and need a paper towel to clean it up instantly, before the liquid spreads beneath the toaster or microwave oven, how many of you will take the time to peel those two paper towels apart saying, “Wait a minute. I only need one paper towel to clean up this mess”?

That’s another part of the conspiracy. First “they” have you paying more for the product. Even the sale price is twice what it used to be a year ago. Then, they make it so that you can’t tear off a single sheet. You are forced to use more of the product, increasing your need to buy more, increasing the amount of money you pay…

See? Now I have you wondering, don’t I?