I did the thing

Oct 19, 2019

This morning, I did the thing. You know, that cartoonish thing when you see a shadow scurrying across the floor and leap onto a chair? Ugh. I’m not proud of it. Even as it was happening, a wash of shame and absurdity rushed over me.

There I was, still groggy from sleep and not a drop of tea in me, and then I saw it… a minotaur-sized Indiana centipede. It scuttled on a determined path by my feet, doubtless fueled by a lust for blood.

Arrested, I took in every nearby weapon at my disposal: my laptop (too expensive and too cumbersome to wield in a do or die situation); a stack of books (but I cringed at the thought of ever holding them in my hands again after they’d been sullied by arthropod goo); and a decorative pillow (the burly bug would have shrugged off the attack and issued a low taunting chuckle, “Is that all you’ve got, lady?”).

So, left without any options, I leapt to the chair, heart hammering in my neck, lungs shrinking to the size of bubble wrap and ready to burst.

The sudden jolt of activity was enough to rouse my sluggish brain into full wakefulness. And that’s when I remembered that these beasts could climb.

Image result for cartoon woman standing on a chair


Leaping from the chair with a distance that could rival any ballerina on her worst day, I dashed across the floor and retrieved the Lysol from the bathroom. Sufficiently armed with a yellow can that promises to kill 99.9%, I went back to face the monster. Only to find him gone. Vanished. And likely plotting a path upstairs to my bedroom where he will lay in wait amidst the woodgrain of my furniture.

Clearly, I’ll have to move.


  1. Janet Greaves says:

    ROFL!!! Not at you but your way of writing and yes, I can imagine you leaping across the floor or as we say in ballet jete across the floor! I would have done the same thing, grabbed whatever can/bottle of poison I had available! My biggest fear are spiders, I dreadfully hate them and especially when I lived in St. Louis, and we had the horrid brown recluse! Glad you got the bugger and now can enjoy your cuppa tea! 🙂 Thanks for sharing! 🙂

  2. Diane in Tucson says:

    (LOL) This reminded me of my sister-in-law when she went in to check on her daughter sleeping in her room only to see this nice scorpion perched on the wall just above her precious sleeping baby! Scorpions are quite common here in Tucson and especially since my brother’s family live at the base of A Mountain here. You can imagine her reaction now! 🙂

  3. Vivienne Lorret says:


    Thank you for laughing with me. <3 I'm not entirely sure if I destroyed him, but I'm positive that the floor surrounding the chair where he disappeared is 99.9% germ free.

    All the best!

  4. Vivienne Lorret says:


    I can only imagine the lengths your sister must have gone through to rid the room of the scorpion! Eek! I have yet to encounter a scorpion. Though, if one ever made the trek to northern Indiana, I’m sure it would somehow find it’s way into my house.

    Wishing you and your family safe sleeping!